Well its been a crazy few weeks. I will try to set the scene for you. I was home from Afghanistan and back in NY visiting my family. My family at least my dad and most of his side of the family are very conservative. I am too with the exception of being gay. Well my church was voting on weather or not to allow LGBT people as members of the Church or Clergy. It was denied overwhelmingly I might add but thats not what really bothered me. The discussions and debates leading up to it are what bothered me. Keep in mind they dont know the real me. At one point my dad literally said that he hates gay people, that was probably the nicest thing he said about gay people that week. It was so painful to hear some of it, even my childhood best friend feels pretty much the same way as the rest of them. “The Gays are the problem with America”. Like really? Anyway moving on, I went back to NC to visit some friends and to fly back to Afghanistan. I went drinking with some of my friends and spent the night at one of their houses. I was trashed and somehow we got on the topic of the civil union and gay marriage laws that were denied by the state of NC. I dont understand its like everyone wants to talk about gay people for some reason. He said that he actually supports the right for gay people to get married as far as equal rights but cant support the lifestyle personally. That was about the end of the night, for him. It triggered me into a pretty bad depression and I sent my best friend who was and is still in Afghanistan an email. I told him in drunken broken English that if he really knew who I was he would hate me and I referred to a joke he had made about gays the other day. There was a bunch of other stuff too, not all of it understandable. Well I fell asleep and eventually woke up to catch my flight. The entire time I was just praying that something went wrong and he wouldn’t see the email. Well he did, after I got off the plane my phone rang, it was him. He was so worried about me that he used a satellite phone to call me. I was terrified, I almost didn’t want to answer. He asked if I was OK and I said I am fine trying to pretend nothing happened. Then he brought up the email and I told him to forget about it. He wouldn’t let it go though, he pressured me into admitting it and of course he already knew. My whole body was trembling, my nerves where shot. Here I am in full uniform in the middle of a major airport crying and freaking out on the phone. I told him and he told me to stop worrying because I am his best friend and nothing will ever change that. He was so accepting that I don’t know how I can ever be as good a friend to him. He has completely changed his ideas on gay people. He seriously thought it was a choice before but now says that he knows I would never put myself through this. I am back in Afghanistan now, I haven’t seen him yet but we still email back and forth. All the issues with my family seem like a distant memory to me now. I can not explain how happy I am to have my best friend accept me for who I really am.
Well, I have to say the last few days have been awesome. I am in Afghanistan right now so I’m not going to say too much about what I have been up to lately but I can say its been exciting. I have to focus on my job so much that the rest of my life hasn’t been a concern to me at all. Even though my job is stressful and dangerous its such a relief. I don’t have to think about the people who know I am out or the ones who don’t. I don’t have time to worry about weather or not I am living in sin. I haven’t had to worry about what I will be doing when I am finally out of the Army here in a few short months. Even though all these things have been like a huge dark menacing cloud hanging over me for the last couple months I feel great. This exciting portion of my deployment is coming to an end soon so that I can come home on leave but I don’t want it too. I don’t want to go home and face people, and leave these guys in harms way. I just want to keep going, never leave and just take my chances here. When I am at work I get to help keep our people safe, get an adrenaline rush, and don’t have to worry about real life. It couldn’t get any better. I don’t really even care if something happens to me. I don’t mean to sound suicidal or anything I am just saying, I don’t care. Literally the only thing I care about is keeping these other guys safe, my only worry is of screwing up and getting someone else hurt… or worse. Does all this mean there is something wrong with me? Has this become an addiction, just like any other. Used as a form of escapism? How am I going to adjust to civilian life when I get back?
Oh, and for all you delusional haters out there who think soldiers are baby killers I need to add this little portion. We are not all like that coward soldier who went out and killed those 16 civilians. There are bad people in every profession this one just happened to be in the Army. When I first heard of the incident I gave serious thought to what I would do if I came across that soldier, since my particular skill set might have brought me within striking distance of him. I of course have no I idea what I would have done unless I was actually faced with the situation but I think I might have put a bullet in him myself. In the end it would save lives. To hell with the justice system and his eventual insanity plea, that bastard has already cost good soldiers their lives. If one of our soldiers took him out before he had left here it would have showed the Afghans and the rest of the world that we aren’t all the same.
taye-bay-bay asked: I don't know you, or your life, or the struggles you are going through, but I do know how scary it can be to come out. I came out three times (each time as a different orientation) as I was struggling to discover who I was. I also came out about being Pagan (which freaked my parents out more than my sexuality.) I want you to know that there are people out here who support you and if you ever need to rant about anything, you can come to me. I won't judge. (: And as a stranger, I'm safe, yeah? (:
Thank you and if you ever want to rant feel free to message me as well. To be honest I am really surprised as to how much support you can find on the internet. Lately I have been pretty busy which has been nice. It takes my mind off of everything, life. I almost wish I could just stay here its so much easier than facing reality.
This morning I was woken up by a disturbing nightmare. The type where you remember every detail. I normally cant remember my dreams at all but this one kept replaying in my mind all day. I’m in a tunnel, its almost like something out of an Indiana Jones movie. I have all my gear and weapons with me except for my NVG’s unfortunately. I was just walking deep into the darkness, I don’t know why. I see a passageway that’s loosely blocked with a fragile brick wall. I lay down my M4 and start removing the bricks when I hear something coming from the darkness. Almost like a dog growling but very faint. I shine my flashlight down the tunnel, at first I dont see anything but then nearly a hundred meters away I see it, a set of bright yellow eyes staring back at me. I lower the light to grab my M4 but its gone I don’t see it anywhere. I unholster my 9mm and raise it with the flashlight. Now the eyes are moving closer, I can see it now. It’s was a wolf or something similar, almost a meter tall, his coat is as black as night. He’s in a dead sprint barking and snarling. I flick the safety off and cock the hammer he’s almost on top of me. I aim right for his neck, take a breath and squeeze the trigger… nothing happens. I look down for a fraction of a second to correct the malfunction but when I glance back its too late he’s in mid air lunging for me. He makes contact, slams me to the ground knocking the wind out of me. He’s inches from my face staring deep into my eyes, his breath reeks of rotting flesh. I can feel his claws penetrating the strike plate in my vest and hear it crumble. Just as they break through and start to puncture my skin he lunges forward to take a bite out of my face and then I wake up. My heart was racing I laid there for a minute thinking about how real it felt then look over to see what time it it. Just as i do my alarm starts going off off.
Well I was really freaking out. I was paranoid, after coming out to a friend in a Facebook message he didn’t respond for almost two days. I felt like he was telling everyone and that everyone around me already knew but they were just laughing at me behind my back. I couldn’t face being outed, I was giving serious thought to suck starting my 9mm. Like I have said before though I don’t think I could ever do it, but it does scare me how much I think about it. Instead I messaged a coworker on Facebook. Not an especially close friend but I knew that she was openly gay. I told her everything that happened and we talked a bit. She was mostly worried that I was going to hurt myself and made me promise not to do anything like that. I promised her that I wasn’t planning anything.
My dad is as outspoken against suicide as he is homosexuals. He always said that its a permanent solution to a temporary problem. He might be completely off the mark with his views of homosexuals but he is right about suicide. If I had done it, I would have been making a mistake. I would have plunged my family, friends, and co workers into unimaginable grief. For no reason.
After talking to Kat, she convinced me to do something. Message him back and confront him, or just lie and say I was joking. So this morning I messaged him back. Rather than explaining it, here it is.
“Listen man, I know your probably mad at me or you hate me now or whatever. I hate to loose you as a friend but I understand if you cant be friends with me anymore. I am begging you though if for no other reason than being a good battle, because I am still the same guy who deployed with you for 15 months and who is currently deployed right now. Just don’t out me to anyone, I cant face my friends or family with this. I thought talking to someone would help but I was wrong If I could take it back I would but I cant. I’m sorry.”
Almost immediately he messaged me back, freaking out. He apologized a half dozen times saying that he never got the notification on his phone from the first message. He was genuinely worried about me and said that nothing has changed between us. Now I am safely out to two people in my life, I almost threw that away though. I know that there will still be times where the thoughts cross my mind but hopefully this experience will add to my arsenal to fight off suicidal thoughts. Hopefully it helps you too.
Yesterday a “friend” messaged me on Facebook. He could tell somehow that I wasn’t myself and asked me what was wrong. Instead of lying I told him that it wasn’t something I was comfortable talking about but he insisted. Eventually he convinced me that I could tell him anything and that its better to talk about it than to keep it bottled up inside. I guess I wanted to tell someone so bad that I couldn’t help myself. I told. This was thirteen hours ago. I haven’t received any messages since. I don’t know if I can… or want to live with being forced out. I know that sounds so selfish but I cant face it. I cant face my family or my friends if this gets out. I never should have told anyone.
dead-rat-cafe asked: I follow confessionsofahalfdyke, who reblogged your first post. I just wanted to let you know that there are always people out there who care about you. Sometimes they don't know you, sometimes you don't know them, sometimes they don't understand, sometimes they do. Sometimes they care about you even when you don't care about yourself. I hope that someday you will be able to come to terms with yourself and your identity, however that may happen. If you need anything, let me know. <3
I wasn’t sure anyone was going to read it. Thank you for the message and for caring about someone you don’t even know. I hope so too, today’s a pretty big day though. I just told someone in my ‘real life’ for the first time. IDK why I did it but hopefully it goes well I am still waiting on a reply from him but its pretty late in the states right now so it might be awhile before I hear anything back. I think I am going to be freaking out all day now. For now though, I am off to work. Thanks again for the message.